M
martin griffith
Guest
Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint
letter of the year...have a laugh and
read on.
Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words....
A real-life customer complaint
letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....)
Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for
your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During
this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which
I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and
stupidityvof monolithic proportions.
Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either
pursue your professional perogative, and seek to rectify these
difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some
entertaining reading material as you while away the workingday smoking
B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my
spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57
minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
website....HOW?
I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few
minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and
highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -
such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem
had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem
arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for
it.
I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours
between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am
still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my
mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to
a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly
skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an
answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will
be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating
Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least
a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another
one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to.
Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice
my frustration's in print than to shout them at your unending hold
music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of
godawful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be
more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering
service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well,
there isn'tanyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I
discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what
a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled
pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.
British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant
beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly
limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my
futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I
suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment
from me for the services which you have so pointedly and
catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted
initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision,
and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected
with great care from mycats litter tray, as an expression of my utter
and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I
sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit -
they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel
considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich
aroma and delicate texture.
Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its
worthlessemployees
Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
John
martin
After the first death, there is no other.
(Dylan Thomas)
letter of the year...have a laugh and
read on.
Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words....
A real-life customer complaint
letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....)
Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for
your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During
this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which
I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and
stupidityvof monolithic proportions.
Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either
pursue your professional perogative, and seek to rectify these
difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some
entertaining reading material as you while away the workingday smoking
B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my
spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57
minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
website....HOW?
I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few
minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and
highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -
such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem
had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem
arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for
it.
I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours
between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am
still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my
mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to
a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly
skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an
answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will
be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating
Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least
a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another
one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to.
Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice
my frustration's in print than to shout them at your unending hold
music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of
godawful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be
more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering
service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well,
there isn'tanyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I
discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what
a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled
pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.
British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant
beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly
limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my
futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I
suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment
from me for the services which you have so pointedly and
catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted
initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision,
and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected
with great care from mycats litter tray, as an expression of my utter
and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I
sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit -
they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel
considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich
aroma and delicate texture.
Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its
worthlessemployees
Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
John
martin
After the first death, there is no other.
(Dylan Thomas)
480)460-2350 | |